Welcome to the FUNDAMENTALIST FUNHOUSE!
Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
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Thursday
Becoming a Velvet-Covered Brick
from "Becoming a Velvet-Covered Brick" by Dr. Robert Jeffress
> Engage with those who hold opposing points of view.
Aaaaarrrrggghhhhh!!!!! A Trew Kristyun might be CONTAMINATED that way!!!!
Don't fill your mind with anything that is not PURE BILE ... er ... BIBLE!!!!!
> Listen to other people's stories.
Only if they happen to be Trew Kristytuns ... otherwise jam a Bible down their throat to shut them up!
> ? Distinguish between major and minor issues.
Major issue: you must believe everything a fundamentalist says and be their
clone.
Minor issues: anything else.
> ? Reflect the love of Christ.
As you are a Trew Kristyun "washed in the blood of the lamb" therefore you
are entitled to cast the first stone in Trew Kristyun luv.
"All things are probable. Try to believe." - Mark 17:1 (MTV)
"Really! Try to believe even if it's bloody stupid and irrational." - Mark
17:2 (MTV)
"Why? Because I said so, that's why! Don't ask questions. Just
believe." - Mark 17:3 (MTV)
> Engage with those who hold opposing points of view.
Aaaaarrrrggghhhhh!!!!! A Trew Kristyun might be CONTAMINATED that way!!!!
Don't fill your mind with anything that is not PURE BILE ... er ... BIBLE!!!!!
> Listen to other people's stories.
Only if they happen to be Trew Kristytuns ... otherwise jam a Bible down their throat to shut them up!
> ? Distinguish between major and minor issues.
Major issue: you must believe everything a fundamentalist says and be their
clone.
Minor issues: anything else.
> ? Reflect the love of Christ.
As you are a Trew Kristyun "washed in the blood of the lamb" therefore you
are entitled to cast the first stone in Trew Kristyun luv.
"All things are probable. Try to believe." - Mark 17:1 (MTV)
"Really! Try to believe even if it's bloody stupid and irrational." - Mark
17:2 (MTV)
"Why? Because I said so, that's why! Don't ask questions. Just
believe." - Mark 17:3 (MTV)
Wednesday
Help your dog
Since fundamentalist Christians enjoy whispering insults into helpless animals ears, it’s best to keep your pets well away from them during their visit. Threats of hell and damnation can have a considerable impact upon a dogs psyche, making him more prone to the shits and farting.
from http://www.fartnoises.info/farting-dogs-avoidstop-dog-fart-mayhem-in-7-easy-steps.html
from http://www.fartnoises.info/farting-dogs-avoidstop-dog-fart-mayhem-in-7-easy-steps.html
Saturday
You know you are a Fundamentalist when........
You think you aren't one and you call yourself an evangelical
You know you'll go to heaven for sure and everybody else will go to hell.
You are positive that everyone whose lifetyle differs from yours in the slightest is The Devil in disquise, trying to steal your soul.
Your King James Bible is autographed by King James himself.
Your kids have ever been late to school (if you don't homeschool) because you insisted on reading the 119th Psalm for that morning's devotional.
You have a portrait of Sodom and Gomorrah, the day after they were nuked.
You pray so long your food gets cold.
You are allowed to interpret the Bible for yourself as long as your interpretation matches that of your pastor's.
You are proud of the fact that you don't drink or smoke, but you can't survive a Sunday without coffee and a biscuit.
You rant against rock music while listening to country songs describing drinking and extra-marital sex.
You rant against the Harry Potter movie while watching your favorite soap opera.
You give teletubbies gender and sexual preferences.
You say grace over your vitamin tablets.
You pronounce "sin" with two syllables.
You enjoy talking to people in King James English.
You pray out loud in King James English
You are building your own pulpit for your living room.
You think hair tonic is Biblical.
You find Pauline Hanson attractive.
You believe Moses should have shaved.
You pronounce it "Bab-tist."
You scrawl Bible verses on the bathroom walls at McDonalds.
You thought "Back to the Future" was a movie about Biblical Prophecy.
You store tracts in your cellular phone carrying case.
You can trace Saddam Hussein's genealogy to Nebuchadnezzar.
You know that unscrambling "Santa" is "Satan."
You exchange any currency that has three 6s in a row.
You think credit cards are a tool of the devil to identify you to the Anti-Christ.
You think that bar codes are demonic.
You think the band KISS means Knights in Satan's Service.
You found back-masking on Amy Grant's albums.
You think that Gregorian Chants are a tool of the devil
You think movies are a tool of the devil.
You think Deviled ham is a conspiracy of the Illumnati.
You think a modem is a tool of the devil.
You think Charlton Heston was great in the Ten Commandments
You pronounce "repent" as "rheeeee-paint!"
You say Amen more than once an hour.
You have a fish on the back of your car, your boat, your bicycle and your briefcase.
You have your name stamped on your 10+ Bibles.
You name your children after the apostles.
You think that uncensored episodes of Little House on the Prairie "Just go too far!".
You think that if the KJV was good enough for the Apostle Paul then it should be good enough for everyone else.
You think that preaching to the poor is enough to fill their empty stomachs.
You think that the Left Behind Series is a true story.
Every time you hear a trumpet you look up to see if anyone is in the air.
You have a sign on your car that says that the car will be unmanned in case of rapture.
You think about (thank) Jesus while making love.
You think that the Catholic church is an instrument of the Devil.
You keep watching the news for signs of the Antichrist.
You find signs of the Antichrist in the daily news.
You think that the creation of the Euro is a sign that the Ten Kingdoms are uniting under the Beast in preparation for the Rapture/Tribulation.
You think that homosexuality is a form demon posession.
You think it was a demon that was making you think those things in the locker room back in highschool.
You think that nudity is the same as pornography.
You worry that the sight of a woman breast feeding might corrupt your children.
You've been living in a motel since 1999 after selling your house and packing up in the belief that Jeeeesus is coming back in 2000 - and 2002 and 2004 and 2006.....
You have heated arguments with others over which is the correct way to baptise - immersion or sprinkling
You say 'what the heck' instead of 'what the hell' because it's wrong to invoke the name of Satan's domain - and still feel guilty about saying anything at all
You find yourself repeating every sentence twice with increasing volume and praising Jeeeesus for the thought you just had
You ban your children from watching anything that even remotely mentions kissing or other romantic activities because it is too sexually suggestive and temptingW
hen people ask you why you believe what you do, you always answer, "because it's the truth!"
You are reading these jokes from a prison cell after stoning your children for not eating their broccoli
You know you'll go to heaven for sure and everybody else will go to hell.
You are positive that everyone whose lifetyle differs from yours in the slightest is The Devil in disquise, trying to steal your soul.
Your King James Bible is autographed by King James himself.
Your kids have ever been late to school (if you don't homeschool) because you insisted on reading the 119th Psalm for that morning's devotional.
You have a portrait of Sodom and Gomorrah, the day after they were nuked.
You pray so long your food gets cold.
You are allowed to interpret the Bible for yourself as long as your interpretation matches that of your pastor's.
You are proud of the fact that you don't drink or smoke, but you can't survive a Sunday without coffee and a biscuit.
You rant against rock music while listening to country songs describing drinking and extra-marital sex.
You rant against the Harry Potter movie while watching your favorite soap opera.
You give teletubbies gender and sexual preferences.
You say grace over your vitamin tablets.
You pronounce "sin" with two syllables.
You enjoy talking to people in King James English.
You pray out loud in King James English
You are building your own pulpit for your living room.
You think hair tonic is Biblical.
You find Pauline Hanson attractive.
You believe Moses should have shaved.
You pronounce it "Bab-tist."
You scrawl Bible verses on the bathroom walls at McDonalds.
You thought "Back to the Future" was a movie about Biblical Prophecy.
You store tracts in your cellular phone carrying case.
You can trace Saddam Hussein's genealogy to Nebuchadnezzar.
You know that unscrambling "Santa" is "Satan."
You exchange any currency that has three 6s in a row.
You think credit cards are a tool of the devil to identify you to the Anti-Christ.
You think that bar codes are demonic.
You think the band KISS means Knights in Satan's Service.
You found back-masking on Amy Grant's albums.
You think that Gregorian Chants are a tool of the devil
You think movies are a tool of the devil.
You think Deviled ham is a conspiracy of the Illumnati.
You think a modem is a tool of the devil.
You think Charlton Heston was great in the Ten Commandments
You pronounce "repent" as "rheeeee-paint!"
You say Amen more than once an hour.
You have a fish on the back of your car, your boat, your bicycle and your briefcase.
You have your name stamped on your 10+ Bibles.
You name your children after the apostles.
You think that uncensored episodes of Little House on the Prairie "Just go too far!".
You think that if the KJV was good enough for the Apostle Paul then it should be good enough for everyone else.
You think that preaching to the poor is enough to fill their empty stomachs.
You think that the Left Behind Series is a true story.
Every time you hear a trumpet you look up to see if anyone is in the air.
You have a sign on your car that says that the car will be unmanned in case of rapture.
You think about (thank) Jesus while making love.
You think that the Catholic church is an instrument of the Devil.
You keep watching the news for signs of the Antichrist.
You find signs of the Antichrist in the daily news.
You think that the creation of the Euro is a sign that the Ten Kingdoms are uniting under the Beast in preparation for the Rapture/Tribulation.
You think that homosexuality is a form demon posession.
You think it was a demon that was making you think those things in the locker room back in highschool.
You think that nudity is the same as pornography.
You worry that the sight of a woman breast feeding might corrupt your children.
You've been living in a motel since 1999 after selling your house and packing up in the belief that Jeeeesus is coming back in 2000 - and 2002 and 2004 and 2006.....
You have heated arguments with others over which is the correct way to baptise - immersion or sprinkling
You say 'what the heck' instead of 'what the hell' because it's wrong to invoke the name of Satan's domain - and still feel guilty about saying anything at all
You find yourself repeating every sentence twice with increasing volume and praising Jeeeesus for the thought you just had
You ban your children from watching anything that even remotely mentions kissing or other romantic activities because it is too sexually suggestive and temptingW
hen people ask you why you believe what you do, you always answer, "because it's the truth!"
You are reading these jokes from a prison cell after stoning your children for not eating their broccoli
Father Ted
Father Ted (1995-1998) was a television situation comedy set on the extremely remote fictional Craggy Island off the west coast of Ireland. The main characters were Father Ted, Mrs Doyle (the housekeeper), the simple-minded Father Dougal and the permanently drunk Father Jack.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Father Dougal: God, I've heard about those cults Ted. People dressing up in black and saying Our Lord's going to come back and save us all.Father
Ted: No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
Father Dougal: Oh right.
Father Dougal: Come on, Ted. Sure it's no more peculiar than all that stuff we learned in the seminary, you know, Heaven and Hell and everlasting life and all that type of thing. You're not meant to take it seriously, Ted! That's nearly as mad as that thing you told me about the loaves and the fishes. So, if God has existed forever...you know, what did he do in his spare time, like, before he made the Earth and everything?
Father Dougal: Sorry Ted. I was concentrating too hard on looking holy.
Father Dougal: Hello there Len.
Bishop Brennan: Don't call me Len, you prick. Refer to me as 'Bishop Brennan'!
Father Dougal: Ah right you are there Len.
Bishop Brennan: You will address me by my proper title, you little bollocks!
Father Ted: I was just thinking about my next parish. Bishop Brennan is always threatening to send me somewhere unpleasant, and this time I think he just might go through with it. You see...I'm going to kick him up the arse.
Mrs Doyle: It doesn't matter what day it is, Father. There is always time for a nice cup of tea! Sure didn't our Lord himself on the cross pause for a nice cup of tea before giving himself up for the world?
Father Jack: I love my brick!
Father Ted: Ah, that's nice. Perhaps we're seeing a new side to FatherJack? A more caring, considerate...Jack suddenly hurls the brick at Ted, knocking him out
Father Jack: Ah, feck it! Fed up with brick!
Father Ted: What was it [Jack] used to say about the needy? He had a term for them.
Father Dougal: A shower of bastards.
Father Ted: I'm not a fascist. I'm a priest. Fascists dress up in black and tell people what to do. Whereas priests......More drink!
Father Dougal: (trying to pray) Hail Mary who art in heaven.......
Father Ted: Hallowed.
Father Dougal: Oh yeah. Hallowed Be....
Father Ted: Thy Name...
Father Dougal: Papa Don't Preach........
Father Ted: So there he is. Risen from the dead. Like that feller.... E.T.
Father Ted: Dougal, you know you can praise the lord with sleep.
Father Dougal: Really Ted? You can praise him in lots of ways, like that time you said that I could praise him just by leaving the room.
Father Ted: Yes, that was a good one !
Father Dougal: As if magic, I can create a big crowd of invisible ducks.
Mrs Doyle: Now come on Father, what would you say to a nice cup of tea?
Father Jack: FECK OFF CUP!!!!!!
Father Ted: I think we'd all like to make a little sacrifice.
Father Jack: SACRIFICE? ARSE!
Father Jack: Feck! Nuns! Reverse! Reverse!
Father Dougal: God I've never seen a clock at 5 a.m. before!
Father Ted: Dougal, how did you get into the church in the first place? Was it, like, 'collect 12 crisp packets and become a priest?'
Mrs Doyle: They were a bit obsessed with the old...S-E-X. God I'm glad I never think of that type of thing Father. That whole sexual world. God, when you think of it it's a dirty, filthy thing, isn't it Father? Can you imagine Father? Can you imagine Father, looking up at your husband, and him standing over you with his lad in his hand, wanting you to degrade yourself? God almighty can you imagine that Father? Can you picture it there Father? Oh get a good mental picture of it. Can you see him there? Ready to do the business?
Mrs Doyle: Won't you have some cake, Father? It's got cocaine in it. Oh no, hang on, it's not cocaine, is it. What do I mean now? - the little things... Raisins!
Frank: Fup off, you grasshole!
Father Ted: Once again Dougal, you've made me look like a complete fool in front of real people. Thanks very much.
Upon meeting Richard Wilson, a.k.a. Victor Meldrew
Father Ted: (yells loudly) I don't believe it!Wilson violently assaults Ted, and has to be restrained
Richard Wilson: I'll bloody well kill you!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Father Dougal: God, I've heard about those cults Ted. People dressing up in black and saying Our Lord's going to come back and save us all.Father
Ted: No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
Father Dougal: Oh right.
Father Dougal: Come on, Ted. Sure it's no more peculiar than all that stuff we learned in the seminary, you know, Heaven and Hell and everlasting life and all that type of thing. You're not meant to take it seriously, Ted! That's nearly as mad as that thing you told me about the loaves and the fishes. So, if God has existed forever...you know, what did he do in his spare time, like, before he made the Earth and everything?
Father Dougal: Sorry Ted. I was concentrating too hard on looking holy.
Father Dougal: Hello there Len.
Bishop Brennan: Don't call me Len, you prick. Refer to me as 'Bishop Brennan'!
Father Dougal: Ah right you are there Len.
Bishop Brennan: You will address me by my proper title, you little bollocks!
Father Ted: I was just thinking about my next parish. Bishop Brennan is always threatening to send me somewhere unpleasant, and this time I think he just might go through with it. You see...I'm going to kick him up the arse.
Mrs Doyle: It doesn't matter what day it is, Father. There is always time for a nice cup of tea! Sure didn't our Lord himself on the cross pause for a nice cup of tea before giving himself up for the world?
Father Jack: I love my brick!
Father Ted: Ah, that's nice. Perhaps we're seeing a new side to FatherJack? A more caring, considerate...Jack suddenly hurls the brick at Ted, knocking him out
Father Jack: Ah, feck it! Fed up with brick!
Father Ted: What was it [Jack] used to say about the needy? He had a term for them.
Father Dougal: A shower of bastards.
Father Ted: I'm not a fascist. I'm a priest. Fascists dress up in black and tell people what to do. Whereas priests......More drink!
Father Dougal: (trying to pray) Hail Mary who art in heaven.......
Father Ted: Hallowed.
Father Dougal: Oh yeah. Hallowed Be....
Father Ted: Thy Name...
Father Dougal: Papa Don't Preach........
Father Ted: So there he is. Risen from the dead. Like that feller.... E.T.
Father Ted: Dougal, you know you can praise the lord with sleep.
Father Dougal: Really Ted? You can praise him in lots of ways, like that time you said that I could praise him just by leaving the room.
Father Ted: Yes, that was a good one !
Father Dougal: As if magic, I can create a big crowd of invisible ducks.
Mrs Doyle: Now come on Father, what would you say to a nice cup of tea?
Father Jack: FECK OFF CUP!!!!!!
Father Ted: I think we'd all like to make a little sacrifice.
Father Jack: SACRIFICE? ARSE!
Father Jack: Feck! Nuns! Reverse! Reverse!
Father Dougal: God I've never seen a clock at 5 a.m. before!
Father Ted: Dougal, how did you get into the church in the first place? Was it, like, 'collect 12 crisp packets and become a priest?'
Mrs Doyle: They were a bit obsessed with the old...S-E-X. God I'm glad I never think of that type of thing Father. That whole sexual world. God, when you think of it it's a dirty, filthy thing, isn't it Father? Can you imagine Father? Can you imagine Father, looking up at your husband, and him standing over you with his lad in his hand, wanting you to degrade yourself? God almighty can you imagine that Father? Can you picture it there Father? Oh get a good mental picture of it. Can you see him there? Ready to do the business?
Mrs Doyle: Won't you have some cake, Father? It's got cocaine in it. Oh no, hang on, it's not cocaine, is it. What do I mean now? - the little things... Raisins!
Frank: Fup off, you grasshole!
Father Ted: Once again Dougal, you've made me look like a complete fool in front of real people. Thanks very much.
Upon meeting Richard Wilson, a.k.a. Victor Meldrew
Father Ted: (yells loudly) I don't believe it!Wilson violently assaults Ted, and has to be restrained
Richard Wilson: I'll bloody well kill you!
Top Ten Signs You're a Fundamentalist Christian
10 - You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.
9 - You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.
8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.
7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" including women, children, and trees!
6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.
5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.
4 - You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs -- though excluding those in all rival sects - will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving."
3 - While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in "tongues" may be all the evidence you need to "prove" Christianity.
2 - You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.1 - You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history - but still call yourself a Christian.
from http://www.evilbible.com/Top_Ten_List.htm
9 - You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.
8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.
7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" including women, children, and trees!
6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.
5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.
4 - You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs -- though excluding those in all rival sects - will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving."
3 - While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in "tongues" may be all the evidence you need to "prove" Christianity.
2 - You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.1 - You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history - but still call yourself a Christian.
from http://www.evilbible.com/Top_Ten_List.htm
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