Father Ted

Father Ted (1995-1998) was a television situation comedy set on the extremely remote fictional Craggy Island off the west coast of Ireland. The main characters were Father Ted, Mrs Doyle (the housekeeper), the simple-minded Father Dougal and the permanently drunk Father Jack.


Father Dougal: God, I've heard about those cults Ted. People dressing up in black and saying Our Lord's going to come back and save us all.Father
Ted: No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
Father Dougal: Oh right.

Father Dougal: Come on, Ted. Sure it's no more peculiar than all that stuff we learned in the seminary, you know, Heaven and Hell and everlasting life and all that type of thing. You're not meant to take it seriously, Ted! That's nearly as mad as that thing you told me about the loaves and the fishes. So, if God has existed know, what did he do in his spare time, like, before he made the Earth and everything?

Father Dougal: Sorry Ted. I was concentrating too hard on looking holy.

Father Dougal: Hello there Len.
Bishop Brennan: Don't call me Len, you prick. Refer to me as 'Bishop Brennan'!
Father Dougal: Ah right you are there Len.
Bishop Brennan: You will address me by my proper title, you little bollocks!

Father Ted: I was just thinking about my next parish. Bishop Brennan is always threatening to send me somewhere unpleasant, and this time I think he just might go through with it. You see...I'm going to kick him up the arse.

Mrs Doyle: It doesn't matter what day it is, Father. There is always time for a nice cup of tea! Sure didn't our Lord himself on the cross pause for a nice cup of tea before giving himself up for the world?

Father Jack: I love my brick!
Father Ted: Ah, that's nice. Perhaps we're seeing a new side to FatherJack? A more caring, considerate...Jack suddenly hurls the brick at Ted, knocking him out
Father Jack: Ah, feck it! Fed up with brick!

Father Ted: What was it [Jack] used to say about the needy? He had a term for them.
Father Dougal: A shower of bastards.

Father Ted: I'm not a fascist. I'm a priest. Fascists dress up in black and tell people what to do. Whereas priests......More drink!

Father Dougal: (trying to pray) Hail Mary who art in heaven.......
Father Ted: Hallowed.
Father Dougal: Oh yeah. Hallowed Be....
Father Ted: Thy Name...
Father Dougal: Papa Don't Preach........

Father Ted: So there he is. Risen from the dead. Like that feller.... E.T.

Father Ted: Dougal, you know you can praise the lord with sleep.
Father Dougal: Really Ted? You can praise him in lots of ways, like that time you said that I could praise him just by leaving the room.
Father Ted: Yes, that was a good one !

Father Dougal: As if magic, I can create a big crowd of invisible ducks.

Mrs Doyle: Now come on Father, what would you say to a nice cup of tea?
Father Jack: FECK OFF CUP!!!!!!

Father Ted: I think we'd all like to make a little sacrifice.

Father Jack: Feck! Nuns! Reverse! Reverse!

Father Dougal: God I've never seen a clock at 5 a.m. before!

Father Ted: Dougal, how did you get into the church in the first place? Was it, like, 'collect 12 crisp packets and become a priest?'

Mrs Doyle: They were a bit obsessed with the old...S-E-X. God I'm glad I never think of that type of thing Father. That whole sexual world. God, when you think of it it's a dirty, filthy thing, isn't it Father? Can you imagine Father? Can you imagine Father, looking up at your husband, and him standing over you with his lad in his hand, wanting you to degrade yourself? God almighty can you imagine that Father? Can you picture it there Father? Oh get a good mental picture of it. Can you see him there? Ready to do the business?

Mrs Doyle: Won't you have some cake, Father? It's got cocaine in it. Oh no, hang on, it's not cocaine, is it. What do I mean now? - the little things... Raisins!

Frank: Fup off, you grasshole!

Father Ted: Once again Dougal, you've made me look like a complete fool in front of real people. Thanks very much.

Upon meeting Richard Wilson, a.k.a. Victor Meldrew
Father Ted: (yells loudly) I don't believe it!Wilson violently assaults Ted, and has to be restrained
Richard Wilson: I'll bloody well kill you!