Wednesday

NEW TESTAMENT ABSURD BIBLE VERSES - Luke's Gospel / Acts

Luke's Gospel


How could an omniscient being "increase in wisdom"? And how could God
increase "in favour with God."? 2:52

In Luke's gospel, God addresses Jesus directly saying, "Thou art my
beloved son." But Matthew (3:17) has God speak to those witnessing Jesus'
baptism, by saying: "This is my beloved son." Whatever the exact wording, it
is strange that after witnessing this even, John the Baptist is still unsure
about Jesus (Mt.11:2-3, Lk.7:19). 3:22

The devil takes Jesus to the top of a mountain and shows him "all the
kingdoms of the world." I guess the world was flat in those days. 4:5

Devils crawl out of people proclaiming that Jesus is "Christ the Son
of God." According to 1 Jn.4:2, 15, these devils were "of God." 4:41

Don't turn down any borrowers (Do Christian bankers follow this one?), and
when you loan something don't ask for it back. 6:29-30

John the Baptist, who is about to die, is still unsure about Jesus. He sends
his disciples to Jesus asking: "Art thou he that should come? or look we for
another?" Well, if he's not sure, how can anyone else be? 7:19

"Thy faith hath made thee whole." If you have enough faith, you will never
get sick.
(Illness is caused by sin and lack of faith. Medical science is
unnecessary.) 8:48

Jesus raises Moses and Elijah from the dead and has a conversation with
them. 9:30

Epilepsy is caused by devils. 9:39-42

James and John ask Jesus if they can call down fire from heaven to consume
the Samaritans who didn't much care for Jesus' teaching. They'd like to kill
people the way Elijah did. But shucks, Jesus won't let them. 9:54

"I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions ... and nothing
shall by any means hurt you." 10:19

People who cannot speak are possessed with devils. 11:14

Jesus calls his critics fools, thus making himself, by his own standards
(Mt.5:22), worthy of "hell fire." 11:40

Those with little faith can pluck trees up by their roots and cast them into
the sea. 17:6

Jesus believes the story of Noah's ark. I guess you should too. 17:27

Jesus also believes the story about Noah's flood and Sodom's destruction. He
says, "even thus shall it be in the day the son of man is revealed ...
Remember Lot's wife." This tells us about Jesus' knowledge of science and
history. 17:29-32

Dead people have no God. 20:38

Jesus says that everyone will hate Christians, and some Christians will be
killed, yet no Christian will be harmed in any way. 21:16-18

"That ye may ... sit on thrones judging the twelve tribes of Israel." Which
tribe will Judas judge? 22:30

"He that hath no sword, let him sell his garment, and buy one." (Have you
bought your Jesus sword yet?) 22:36


Acts

"Peter and John ... were unlearned and ignorant men." 4:13

The sick were healed just by touching the shadow of Peter. 5:15-16

The Spirit caught Philip and transported him to a city miles away. 8:39-40

Sick people are oppressed by the devil. 10:38

"It is his angel."The Christians pray for Peter, but when he shows up, they
don't believe it. They think he was "his angel" instead. (Everyone has an
angel that looks
just like them.) 12:12-15

David was "a man after [God's] own heart." 13:22 Adulterer / murderer? The
author of Acts talks about the "sure mercies of David." But David was
anything but merciful. For an example of his behavior see 2 Sam.12:31 and 1
Chr.20:3, where he saws, hacks, and burns to death the inhabitants of
several cities. 13:34

After only two years of preaching, everyone in Asia had heard the word of
the Lord! 19:10

Sick people were cured by touching the handkerchief or apron of Paul. And
the evil spirits when out of them." 19:12

Eutychus was the first casualty of many long boring sermons. But Paul raised
him back to life by falling on and embracing him. 20:9-12

Adapted from http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/abs/long.htm