You think you aren't one and you call yourself an evangelical
You know you'll go to heaven for sure and everybody else will go to hell.
You are positive that everyone whose lifetyle differs from yours in the slightest is The Devil in disquise, trying to steal your soul.
Your King James Bible is autographed by King James himself.
Your kids have ever been late to school (if you don't homeschool) because you insisted on reading the 119th Psalm for that morning's devotional.
You have a portrait of Sodom and Gomorrah, the day after they were nuked.
You pray so long your food gets cold.
You are allowed to interpret the Bible for yourself as long as your interpretation matches that of your pastor's.
You are proud of the fact that you don't drink or smoke, but you can't survive a Sunday without coffee and a biscuit.
You rant against rock music while listening to country songs describing drinking and extra-marital sex.
You rant against the Harry Potter movie while watching your favorite soap opera.
You give teletubbies gender and sexual preferences.
You say grace over your vitamin tablets.
You pronounce "sin" with two syllables.
You enjoy talking to people in King James English.
You pray out loud in King James English
You are building your own pulpit for your living room.
You think hair tonic is Biblical.
You find Pauline Hanson attractive.
You believe Moses should have shaved.
You pronounce it "Bab-tist."
You scrawl Bible verses on the bathroom walls at McDonalds.
You thought "Back to the Future" was a movie about Biblical Prophecy.
You store tracts in your cellular phone carrying case.
You can trace Saddam Hussein's genealogy to Nebuchadnezzar.
You know that unscrambling "Santa" is "Satan."
You exchange any currency that has three 6s in a row.
You think credit cards are a tool of the devil to identify you to the Anti-Christ.
You think that bar codes are demonic.
You think the band KISS means Knights in Satan's Service.
You found back-masking on Amy Grant's albums.
You think that Gregorian Chants are a tool of the devil
You think movies are a tool of the devil.
You think Deviled ham is a conspiracy of the Illumnati.
You think a modem is a tool of the devil.
You think Charlton Heston was great in the Ten Commandments
You pronounce "repent" as "rheeeee-paint!"
You say Amen more than once an hour.
You have a fish on the back of your car, your boat, your bicycle and your briefcase.
You have your name stamped on your 10+ Bibles.
You name your children after the apostles.
You think that uncensored episodes of Little House on the Prairie "Just go too far!".
You think that if the KJV was good enough for the Apostle Paul then it should be good enough for everyone else.
You think that preaching to the poor is enough to fill their empty stomachs.
You think that the Left Behind Series is a true story.
Every time you hear a trumpet you look up to see if anyone is in the air.
You have a sign on your car that says that the car will be unmanned in case of rapture.
You think about (thank) Jesus while making love.
You think that the Catholic church is an instrument of the Devil.
You keep watching the news for signs of the Antichrist.
You find signs of the Antichrist in the daily news.
You think that the creation of the Euro is a sign that the Ten Kingdoms are uniting under the Beast in preparation for the Rapture/Tribulation.
You think that homosexuality is a form demon posession.
You think it was a demon that was making you think those things in the locker room back in highschool.
You think that nudity is the same as pornography.
You worry that the sight of a woman breast feeding might corrupt your children.
You've been living in a motel since 1999 after selling your house and packing up in the belief that Jeeeesus is coming back in 2000 - and 2002 and 2004 and 2006.....
You have heated arguments with others over which is the correct way to baptise - immersion or sprinkling
You say 'what the heck' instead of 'what the hell' because it's wrong to invoke the name of Satan's domain - and still feel guilty about saying anything at all
You find yourself repeating every sentence twice with increasing volume and praising Jeeeesus for the thought you just had
You ban your children from watching anything that even remotely mentions kissing or other romantic activities because it is too sexually suggestive and temptingW
hen people ask you why you believe what you do, you always answer, "because it's the truth!"
You are reading these jokes from a prison cell after stoning your children for not eating their broccoli